Neil Breen, a Las Vegas architect and real estate agent, is a very unique man. He was born without the ability of introspection, a trait only found in politicians. You see, somewhere along the road when he was peddling two bedroom ranches in the suburbs for half a million dollars he realized that this was not his true calling in life and that, in fact, he is a messianic auteur that had an important message for the sake of humanity that could only be translated through insanely disjointed films that no one will see. Oh, by the way: you're welcome.
Friday, October 2, 2015
Tuesday, July 14, 2015
Yeah, I know the screen cap above doesn't match. This motherfucker has more names listed than a phone book. The original U.S. title release was Satan's Mistress, however, when this was released on home video it went by Dark Eyes, as seen above, as well as Fury of the Succubus, Incubus, Demon Rage and lately on DVD the shoddily retitled Demon Seed:
Friday, June 12, 2015
Why would God's adversary need cheerleaders? While you ponder that thimble deep query let me address this misleading title. Yes, there are cheerleaders — a whopping four of them in fact. No, they are not aligned with nor affiliated in any way to the theological enemy of all humanity. If you were expecting a campy romp used as an excuse to get young, pretty actresses to disrobe, you'll be left limper than Rock Hudson was in Pretty Maids All in a Row. After sitting down and watching it, I still have no clue what director Greydon Clark — responsible for one of MST3K's most famous episodes, Angels' Brigade — was trying to accomplish as there seems to be two completely different types of movies presented here that eventually collide together like two shopping carts in Wal-Mart's chip aisle.
Tuesday, May 12, 2015
There are some titles that are on everyone's "must see" bad movie list. The shot-on-video ghetto puppet turned wooden rapist Black Devil Doll from Hell is one such film. It has about two minutes of humorous content while the rest is pure, unadulterated horseshit.
Wednesday, April 1, 2015
"Yawn of the Audience" would have been a more honest title. Motherfucker, does this thing revel in minutiae! Filmed in Venice, California on a $100,000 budget blah,blah,blah ... you know the rest. Too bad you'll be in stage 4 delta sleep long before this plodding film reaches it completion.
Two boys — one so fat that I believe his veins were filled with maple syrup — are playing Frisbee (in slow-motion) when the non-future heart failure victim discovers a mutilated dog corpse on the side of a canal.
Monday, March 23, 2015
Theater is pronounced (thee-uh-ter) according to the dictionary — not (thee-ate-her). Those who use the latter sound like uneducated rubes. Thankfully, our star Mitford (the hopelessly lame yet likeable Peter Spitzer) wasn't trying to portray a sophisticated intellectual. Every time he says the word — and, it's a lot — I want to karate chop him in the neck.
Monday, March 16, 2015
Back in the mid-Eighties gay porn director Tim Kincaid (a.k.a. "Joe Gage") tried his hand at going mainstream by directing a few small budget direct-to-video films. Unsurprisingly, they were all wretched. Amongst his short resume of work that didn't involve male-on-male sodomy was the 1986 science fiction/horror movie Breeders which haphazardly told the tale of an alien that rapes Manhattan's scarce supply of cocaine-snorting virgins.
Sunday, October 19, 2014
It's almost Halloween so let's get into the spirit of my favorite holiday by taking a look at a rare miss from Dick Clark who produced this steaming pile that is worse than the bad batch of brown acid passed around the same historical festival in 1969. Shot on video, this soap opera about a cranky lycanthrope's hatred of hippies and loud noises is so awful — and I mean awful in a "Why was this even made and who is the poor fucker I'm going to have to kill to stop this from ever happening again?" way — that I'm shocked Dick Clark didn't have every copy of this abomination bundled into a rocket ship and shot into the sun.
Saturday, September 27, 2014
Spanish director Juan Piquer Simon had quite the ambivalent career when it came to the type of films he helmed. Two of his movies, Pieces (1983) and Slugs (1988), were both hard-R gore fests that, in my humble opinion, Simon really seemed to excel at. Then there was his attempts near the end of his trade in what I can only describe as bland, vanilla-horror: The Rift (1990) and Cthulhu Mansion (1992) which I addressed in length before.
Thursday, September 4, 2014
Been very busy lately at work. It's hard begging for change at the Interstate on-ramp during these summer months. I use most of my "earnings" on Big Gulp refills. My ex-wives have demanded more alimony leaving me little time to devote to my movie collection — a collection that has been gathering quite a bit of dust these last few months. But fear not. I have recently gotten back into an old, bad habit and viewed a Superman knockoff from Spanish director Juan Piquer Simon (Pieces, Slugs and Pod People)...Supersonic Man!!!
The girls in high school used to call me...hey wait a second!
Yeah, that's a fucking action figure flying through space. See you real soon.