Sometime in the late seventies, an obscure movie was made that told the tale of an arrogant millionairess who treats people like property until her curiosity wanes and they're ultimately dispatched by a murdering psychopath chauffeur. Under most circumstances, Nicole, as it was originally titled, would have been forgotten quickly and lost to film oblivion where it most appropriately belongs, save for the fact that it contains the one and only nude scene of a young "Kathy Bach" who would reach the height of masturbatory fantasies of young men nationwide thanks to her portrayal of the scantily clad "Daisy Duke" in "The Dukes of Hazard" from 1979-1985. Enter Troma Films, always scanning the celluloid gutter for repackaging, where they bought the rights to the only passable copy, renamed it Crazed and marketed it as the film with Catherine Bach's tits. Well, it worked because I sat through this dull drama in hopes that I can save the next couple of unfortunate skin buffs from wasting an hour-and-a-half of their day that would otherwise be dedicated to internet porn.
Saturday, March 26, 2016
Sunday, January 17, 2016
Thursday, October 22, 2015
It's 1978 and the exploitation phase is quickly coming to the end of the drive-in era. Looking to squeeze one more film out of Independent-International Pictures, known for such low-fare classics like Satan's Sadists and Dracula vs. Frankenstein, co-founder Sam Sherman is inspired to film an erotic nurse-related movie after watching Roger Corman strike gold with Night Call Nurses and Candy Stripe Nurses earlier that decade. All he needed was a hook. The supernatural horror film Carrie was all the rage and that was more than enough for Sam to combine the genres together and summon his partner-in-crime, Al Adamson to direct. The result became Beyond the Living or Horror Hospital or Killer's Curse, Hands of Death and Black Voodoo. Ya see, neither Al or Sam actually knew how to market their finished product. Helluva way to end your run, boys.
Friday, October 2, 2015
Neil Breen, a Las Vegas architect and real estate agent, is a very unique man. He was born without the ability of introspection, a trait only found in politicians. You see, somewhere along the road when he was peddling two bedroom ranches in the suburbs for half a million dollars he realized that this was not his true calling in life and that, in fact, he is a messianic auteur that had an important message for the sake of humanity that could only be translated through insanely disjointed films that no one will see. Oh, by the way: you're welcome.
Tuesday, July 14, 2015
Yeah, I know the screen cap above doesn't match. This motherfucker has more names listed than a phone book. The original U.S. title release was Satan's Mistress, however, when this was released on home video it went by Dark Eyes, as seen above, as well as Fury of the Succubus, Incubus, Demon Rage and lately on DVD the shoddily retitled Demon Seed:
Friday, June 12, 2015
Why would God's adversary need cheerleaders? While you ponder that thimble deep query let me address this misleading title. Yes, there are cheerleaders — a whopping four of them in fact. No, they are not aligned with nor affiliated in any way to the theological enemy of all humanity. If you were expecting a campy romp used as an excuse to get young, pretty actresses to disrobe, you'll be left limper than Rock Hudson was in Pretty Maids All in a Row. After sitting down and watching it, I still have no clue what director Greydon Clark — responsible for one of MST3K's most famous episodes, Angels' Brigade — was trying to accomplish as there seems to be two completely different types of movies presented here that eventually collide together like two shopping carts in Wal-Mart's chip aisle.
Tuesday, May 12, 2015
There are some titles that are on everyone's "must see" bad movie list. The shot-on-video ghetto puppet turned wooden rapist Black Devil Doll from Hell is one such film. It has about two minutes of humorous content while the rest is pure, unadulterated horseshit.
Wednesday, April 1, 2015
"Yawn of the Audience" would have been a more honest title. Motherfucker, does this thing revel in minutiae! Filmed in Venice, California on a $100,000 budget blah,blah,blah ... you know the rest. Too bad you'll be in stage 4 delta sleep long before this plodding film reaches it completion.
Two boys — one so fat that I believe his veins were filled with maple syrup — are playing Frisbee (in slow-motion) when the non-future heart failure victim discovers a mutilated dog corpse on the side of a canal.
Monday, March 23, 2015
Theater is pronounced (thee-uh-ter) according to the dictionary — not (thee-ate-her). Those who use the latter sound like uneducated rubes. Thankfully, our star Mitford (the hopelessly lame yet likeable Peter Spitzer) wasn't trying to portray a sophisticated intellectual. Every time he says the word — and, it's a lot — I want to karate chop him in the neck.
Monday, March 16, 2015
Back in the mid-Eighties gay porn director Tim Kincaid (a.k.a. "Joe Gage") tried his hand at going mainstream by directing a few small budget direct-to-video films. Unsurprisingly, they were all wretched. Amongst his short resume of work that didn't involve male-on-male sodomy was the 1986 science fiction/horror movie Breeders which haphazardly told the tale of an alien that rapes Manhattan's scarce supply of cocaine-snorting virgins.